This wasn't after a big shouting match or battle of wills. It was over a simple sharing issue and she didn't get her way. She stormed off to her room and slammed the door in the typical dramatic way things happen in our house with 3 girls. I gave her 5 minutes to cool down and went in to ask if she was ready to talk. On her bed beside her was this picture. I looked at it and left her room and cried in the bathroom.
Is this how they see me? What is wrong with me? I've turned into this yelling, demanding, dictating beast. A monster. I've been the one throwing tantrums and causing drama. They're just emulating what they see. I feel like a shitty mom – a failure. They deserve better than that.
It wasn't always like that. I was a perfect parent – before I had kids. I was going to have perfect little children who would make other parents jealous. How hard can it be? You tell them what to do and they do it. Easy peasy. But from the moment baby 1 was born and wouldn't latch on, I knew things would be very different. I need to learn how to do everything. And every day I do learn so much from my kids. And what I've learned from this little chapter of our lives is this:
From now on I will be
more happy than sad
more understanding than mad
more good than bad
because of all I have I should be glad
I could have written this. Except I call her "Tyrannosaurus Mommy". I totally get it. Haven't had the picture drawn yet, but I'm sure it will happen....
ReplyDeleteHugs. It's harder than we could have ever imagined.
Aw, Lis. I totally understand. You are a great mom, simply because you worry that you're not. I would assume that those who think they're wonderful have a surprise in store!
ReplyDeleteIt is truly the most difficult thing to do in the world. I really look up to those with more than 1, so you will always have an admirer in me!